The Big Day.

I am 4 months late posting this blog! I apologize. If this is your first time reading this blog this is where I catch you up. My friend Jennifer and her now husband Courtney asked me to officiate their wedding this past July 4th, 2015. This blog takes you through my steps to the big day. This post is well over due for those who have been following along. In my defense; after the wedding I had a stream of migraines, and then spent time getting myself ready to go back to school and getting my son ready to go back to school, and then work happened.....I got busy. I've really had time to process the whole thing.

There are many moments early in life that we anticipate something for the first time. As grown-ups I believe we have fewer of these moments. Yes, we have marriage, babies, first careers. However, we have few first time moments of putting ourselves out there. I love stepping outside my comfort zone. That's why I took on this challenge. Just to see if I could. Thankfully after rehearsal dinner I felt less naked in a crowed room. I learned that I felt much more comfortable with a microphone. All those years of Karaoke perhaps.

My wonderful "Officiant's Guide" recommended I show up early. This was to put the bride and day-of coordinator at ease and to learn of any last minute changes. I have to say there were few to no hiccups from what I could see. We had everyone present and accounted for. Stefanie, the day-of coordinator was hard at work. Bridesmaids were fawning over the bride and helping her dress. Family members were well fed and anxiously decorating the rec hall. The DJ was going over sound checks and music playlist. Kids ran around playing. The day was starting as expected:with hard work and anticipation. We often think of love as the Hallmark card with roses and hearts but this...this support of family and friends, this is where it all starts. This is how it happens. This is love at work and Jennifer and Courtney were the center. It doesn't just take a village to raise children. When these children grow up it takes a village to marry them off. And that is exactly what we did. No contribution was too small or unappreciated. Good thing I'm writing this because from a bride's point of view the day was probably just chaos and stress. I felt somewhat in the way. There wasn't really anything for me to do. I had one job and it was quickly approaching.

After about half the guest arrived I made my way to front to join the Groom and Groomsmen. I couldn't be happier with those 4. Such funny and entertaining guys. I look at Courtney and I say, "Well, the normal thing to say is that she looks beautiful but just so you know, she looks HOT. Congratulations!" He seemed pleased and calm. I centered myself at the microphone. Behind me, large paper flowers carefully draped the fireplace. Bridesmaids shuffled down the center of dinner tables. Jennifer's sister Michelle, who was very pregnant at the time, was one of the bridesmaids. Following was Jennifer's daughter, Charlotte. She was in a rainbow of colors and sprinkling the floor with confetti candies that she pulled out of a brown top hat. When she reached me she handed me the hat and with  nod I placed it on my head just has I had practiced the day before. I took a deep breath to relax me and prepare me to speak the first words that would set the tone for the entire ceremony. I hear my cue. In that sobering moment I said it, "Please rise for the bride." I opened the notebook I had made for Jennifer and Courtney containing the ceremony and Jen's vows. I began analyzing the sound of my voice, trying to decide if I liked it. I did, so  I began to smile a pleasantly and calm as my guide had suggested. Jen's father handed her off to Courtney. They approached me and I spoke again. "Please be seated".

I read through the ceremony. I welcomed the guest. Thanked friends and family. I spoke about marriage and love, and hand holding :).  They shared their vows and and accepted each other's hearts with those two small words, "I do.".  I made some closing statements and went for the big finale."You may now kiss the bride."  I ended on the ever so popular, "I now pronounce you husband and wife.". Taking in the moment they faced their loved ones. The music cued and everyone made their way back down the isle following the bride and groom. I took a few deep breaths. I made my way to the back of the room and handed off my mic to the DJ who needed it to make an announcement. Just like that I was done. My inner goddess/ego dropped the mic in that 8-mile sort of way. Like, boo-ya! I did it and I didn't choke. Eat that speech class from 8 yrs ago. I was an officiant "virgin" no more.

The rest of the evening was easy. I just had to be a guest. I got the occasional, "You did a nice job" and "Do you do themed weddings?" And when I looked at the bride and groom I thought to myself, "I did that", "I joined them in love". I felt a since of pride and importance. I feel connected to them.

Would I do it again?? Gladly! I said it before and I will say it again. I am honored that I was asked to do this. I am grateful for the experience and being part of their special day. It was a good kind of stress.To get this perspective was a rare opportunity. I've been the bride. I've helped catered. I've been a guest. But I have never been the officiant. Since, I've been asked to renew vows for a co-worker. I hope to do it again and get more experience. When I do, I will blog about it as well.

My final thoughts: You can do it! If you get asked to do this for someone. DO IT!  Find the right organization to ordain you which would be one that believes in the same thing you do. Read "The Officiant's Guide" by Lisa Francesa and you will do fine!

And to Jennifer and Courtney, thank you again. I wish you both the best. I continue to offer my support. I love you! To the bride and groom!

Thank you for reading.

The Rehearsal Ceremony--Practice makes perfect.

 Last Fall I was asked to officiate a wedding. I've learned a lot over the last several months...getting ordained to perform the ceremony, interviewing the couple, writing out a ceremony script, getting it edited, finding out what to wear, and working out those small details of, "When is the bride going to hand off her bouquet to take her groom's hands?"  There is a lot to think about. Sometimes you have to just go with the flow but having a guideline to follow can certainly make it a little less painless.

So here we are, day before the wedding, and it's time for the rehearsal dinner. Luckily, my very wonderful book by Lisa Francesca, has a section on rehearsal dinner. It made suggestions on how to conduct the ceremony. For example; the ceremony should be practiced first, then the recessional, then the processional. This way everyone knows where to stand before they walk in and out. We did it this way and it worked out fine. We talked about when to cue the music and when to hand off bouquets and retrieve them. Most importantly, reminding the couple to take a minute after the kiss to take it all in. Sometimes when we are trying to be so formal we forget the the little stuff. Rehearsal is the perfect time to practice putting the rings on, practice the kiss, practice a few lines out loud, and anything else that might feel a little awkward on the big day. You would be surprised at how many people don't do this. You don't want to zig when your bride zags for the big kiss or spend time forcing on a ring that's not going to fit right now. Also, some people are not used to speaking out loud. We didn't have speakers or anyone reading anything out loud for the ceremony but if we did I would have had them practice a line.

Jennifer, the bride, had a day-of-event coordinator, a friend, who helped make sure everything flowed. She was big help. She helped me edit the script. I suggest you have someone edit it for you. Sometimes we can't see punctuation errors in our own work because we wrote it. She was able to put in and take out commas and periods that allowed me to breath. It is common for a new officiant to read too fast and not take breaths. I could really feel the difference after Stefanie, the coordinator, edited the script for me. Once I started the rehearsal and got used to speaking to the wedding party I started to relax. Getting a feel for the environment and how things were going to go really settled my nerves about the whole thing. I also got myself prepared for any possible hiccups or deviations from the ceremony. The groom was making the rings and there may have been a chance they may not have been ready....would I have a microphone...anything could go. I went ahead and made plan B's for these things.

We got to rehearse at the venue which I also recommend. Being able to visualize everything the way it will be for the big day can help the nerves. Afterwards, everyone was invited to dinner by the grooms parents. I really couldn't have asked for better people to work with. Both sides of the family of the bride and groom are all just sweet and laid back people. They all seem very supportive and helpful to Jennifer and Courtney. The same with their friends. It was a first time for most of us putting this together. The DJ, the coordinator, the photographers, the caterer, and me, the officiant. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? Family, friends, support, and love. I feel this couple is loved very much. I couldn't imagine doing this for strangers. It has been such an honor. I'm so glad I have taken the initiative to get out there and give them my best. After all, they deserve it.

I will be posting about the big day next! Thank you for reading. Mandy

A Bridal Blessing.

As Jennifer's officiant I have a few things I have to do like write a ceremony, attend rehearsal dinner, and perform the ceremony on the big day. But as Jennifer's friend I also get to attend other traditional wedding events. Earlier this month Jennifer had a traditional bridal shower. I wasn't able to attend because I had to work. But I knew I had a bachelorette party to go to still. So, I thought. I messaged Jennifer's bestie, Kara, to get the 411 on the bachelorette party. Kara informed me Jennifer didn't want one. It wouldn't have been the usual drunken night at the strip club, thankfully. However, I was looking forward to a more causal evening with friends and a little wine but Jennifer wasn't on board.
I messaged Kara and told her it just didn't feel right to not do anything. "Jennifer needs us to love on her", I said. Kara agreed. Being the amazing friend that Kara is to Jennifer she started making plans to ambush her anyway with a Bridal Blessing Ceremony which would be perfect and very Jennifer. We wouldn't take no for an answer.

Kara immediately started planning. She got with Jennifer and they set a date. Jennifer knew we were all getting together for lunch at Kara's but she didn't know what to expect. Kara sent out a message to me and the bridesmaids inviting us to lunch at her house. We were asked to bring a button for Jennifer and a description of why we chose it for her and our wishes for her marriage. We would also give her a hand written recipe for nights when she needs motivation for dinner. We could bring a gift or food as well. The reason we were told to bring a button as our token of intentions was because Jennifer liked buttons. It all sounded perfect to me. I love experiencing new things.

I knew I wanted a wooden button. Wood is natural and earthy. It represents stability and strength. All good wishes for a marriage. I didn't know where my button collection was but I knew I didn't have a wooden one so I got a new one. I didn't have a cool story for my new button but I could call it a fresh start button that Jen could put her own wear and tear on. I also found a poem inspired by the "Tree of life" to go with my button. I'm not very touchy-feely so I have to find the words to express myself.  I was getting excited. So the morning of the lunch, June 13th 2015, I whipped up some sausage balls, gathered my button and recipe and set out for Kara's house.

Kara was the perfect hostess. We ate lunch. Most everyone brought a dish. The kids colored wedding cake print outs for Jen. Next, she had us all sit in a circle around Jennifer. Kara started our ceremony by burning fresh sage to set the tone for our blessing. A native ritual she told us. Kara explained why we were all here and that as married women we could offer Jennifer our words of wisdom. Charlotte and Jenna made a flowery crown with ribbon for our guest of honor to wear while we each took turns presenting Jen with our button. We got to tell her why we chose it for her and our hopes and wishes for her marriage with Courtney. Afterwards, she opened presents. Which we sent the kids outside for. I can't tell you what she got. It's a secret. Kara also gave Jennifer a keepsake box to keep her buttons and recipes in to call upon when she needs encouragement.

I think the afternoon was a success. A Bridal Blessing is a great way start the bride off with an optimistic attitude. It is a way to pamper her and shower her with love and wisdom. Family, friends, an and marriage are all blessing to recognize during this new chapter of the brides life. If you're not the traditional bachelorette party type this is a great ceremony to add to your wedding events. It's much like the native "Blessing Way" ritual that is becoming more popular with child birth. These are taking the place of baby showers. Except this was a bridal version of that. You can do it any way you want. Now, when Jennifer is feeling stressed or having trail-some times she can open her box remember that she is supported and not alone in her journey as a complete "Venus". (I'm using this word to represent all the roles of a women). When her schedule is tight and the family she is to feed is hungry, she can pull out her one recipe card with emergency take-out numbers (loved that!). We all wish the best for Jennifer and her marriage to Courtney and I hope that she left her circle of friends and love feeling empowered, rejuvenated, and ready to take on marriage head first.

We are two weeks away from the big day! I still have rehearsal dinner to help with. I will have to revisit that section of my officiant guide. Which I highly recommend by: Lisa Francesca. I will blog about how it goes.

Thank you for reading!

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest of men"

If you are just catching up to me. I am blogging about my experience of being asked to officiate my friends wedding. I said, "I do", I got ordained, and now I had to sweat out a wedding ceremony. I also want to add to my last post about getting ordained. You can also get "Deputized" for the day. Just that one day to perform a legal ceremony. Under this circumstance you may not say anything religious in your ceremony. This is a good option for a one time gig. But if you think you might want to do it again then you should go ahead and get ordained in my opinion.

Have you ever written a wedding ceremony?? Sounds pretty easy right? We've seen it a hundred times in movies. Well, it's a little more than that.

The first thing you want to do is is research the internet, talk to someone who's done this before, or buy a book. I opted for a good ole book. I chose this one.

 

I loved this book. It was very easy to follow. It tells you all of your do's and don'ts, and gives you a basic outline. This would be my bible.

The second thing you need to do is interview your couple. Use this book or your resource to compile a list of questions. You would be surprised what you didn't know about writing a ceremony. There is a lot. Will it be traditional or modern? Will she have a veil? If she does, you have to write in where she will be removing it. If there is a train on the dress you have to allow time for the bridesmaids to fix it. Will you say, "Who gives this women?" Which is apparently an old tradition of trading property. Will there be any rituals, like lighting candles? Do you want to include family members? Does a friend want to read something? Where will you pause to allow the bride to compose herself when she is overwhelmed with emotions?  It goes on and on. You also have to coordinate with the music and the wedding planner/day coordinator. This book helped me head in the right direction. The net is packed full of advice on doing this. So I'm not going to rewrite it all here. This blog isn't a "how to". It's just a "how I feel about it" :)

At first I thought all I had to do was just copy and post another ceremony I would find online and then just insert their names. They do have vow and ceremony generators that do this for you by the way. So I read through very many ceremonies trying to familiarize myself with what goes down. I sat on this for a couple of months. Just thinking about it. Researching here and there. I met with Jen one last time. The first time I met with both the bride and groom. Then I read my book (which I should've read first) and realized I needed another meeting with my bride to be. We did this around the beginning of April 2015. I told her by the end of the month I would have her ceremony. I emailed it to her May 1st. In one 4 hour sitting I took my notes and the outline from this book, I closed my eyes and immersed myself into the big day. I put myself there and let me fingers start doing the work.

This is for my friend I told myself. I wanted her ceremony to be hers and everything she had asked for. It felt wrong to plagiarize another couples exact ceremony. They weren't Jack and Diane, or Ted and Sally, they were Courtney and Jennifer. She had told me the tone she wanted and the words she wanted. She wanted a traditional ceremony format, no "Fluff" so we called it, and words for a mature couple. I pictured it all; what she was wearing, the bridesmaids, the faces of the audience, and their location. I wrote their ceremony starting from the gentle hand of her father to the infamous words, "you may kiss the bride". When I got stumped on how to word something. I would pull out some examples from my resources. I had to have a little help. I'd never done this before. Now, I get to spend the next month and half using visualization. Because it ain't over till I breath life into this ceremony. I feel confident that because I am reciting my own work it will come naturally to me.

Jennifer and Courtney have a "Willy Wonka" theme for their wedding. I know what your thinking. And NO! There won't be lollipops and oompa loompas. Think more chocolate fountains, elegant purples and golds, and pure imagination. I even managed to wiggle a movie quote into the ceremony. I may even get to wear a vintage brown hat to add a little nonsense. Because "a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

I received this in the mail yesterday by the way.

 

 

Jennifer was happy with the ceremony I had written for her. We still have some time to revise it if we need to. The most important thing to remember according to my book is to be ready for the unexpected. I can't wait to see how it all turns out. We have a rehearsal dinner July 3rd. I plan to come back and blog about rehearsal dinner. When it's all over I will post the ceremony I wrote. I want it to be a surprise for guest for now.

Thank you for reading!

Mandy

I Clicked, "Yes"! Getting Ordained

 In the Fall of 2014 my long time friend Jennifer asked me to officiate her upcoming wedding in July of this year, 2015. I said, "I Do". But now what???  I didn't know the first thing about getting certified to perform a wedding ceremony. I had heard of people going online or getting certified for one day to do one wedding. Jennifer told me I would have to become an "Ordained Minister". That sounded like some heavy stuff to me because I'm not religious. But marriage is a religious act. So knowing what I do know about religion and politics I knew there would be a loophole :)

I immediately headed to the internet to start my searching: How to get ordained? Is it legal? Job duties of an officiant? I even started searching the county probate court website for information. It's all a little overwhelming. I saw many, many sites that would ordain me online. Some for free, some for money one time, some for a yearly membership. It all sounded hoax-y to me so I called my local probate court. The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Hi, a friend of mine has asked me to officiate her wedding what do I need to do?" 
Clerk: "Are you an ordained Minister?"
Me: "No". 
Clerk: "Then you can go online and get ordained, you can Google it."
Me: "Uh, okay, thanks." 

I first started searching why online ordination is legal. I still was in disbelief that it was that easy. In our state you have to be a Judge, Notary public, or a Minister to perform a wedding ceremony. Here are some things I found out online and by asking the probate court at later time:

1. Ordination online is legit and legal. It should be free. Anyone that charges money is trying to make money. But the free sites will charge you reasonable amount for a copy of your credentials. You are ordained for life until you renounce your title. It's a serious thing too. You can open a church! How crazy is that. Plus you become a searchable, public record. So don't lie about your contact info or your beliefs because that would falsify your ordination possibly making your ceremony performance illegal.  

2. You will find a lot of sites telling you that online ordination is not legal. No worries! People get mad for whatever reason and try to discourage. These people are usually the hard core religious ones that believe no one other than a man/women of God can perform a ceremony. Which brings me to my earlier loophole comment...

3. Declaring yourself an ordained minister means you have agreed to the credo and beliefs of the site you have chosen online. If you are religious, by all means, pick a church online that has the same beliefs as you and get ordained. But, I said I wasn't religious. So I would never get on an online church website and agree to a statement that says something along the lines of,"I swear that I believe in God and heterosexual marriage and believe everything the Bible says". That would make my ordination a lie. Plus, that means I'm going on public record as a lie. 

4. It is common to find someone of similar faith to marry you. I'm not speaking for Jennifer's beliefs or those of her beloved.  But what I do believe, they are okay with. And that makes the ceremony  I perform for them real and legal. Loophole....The site I got ordained to only asked me to agree to the following statement:

1. All people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation, have the right to marry.
2. It is the right of every couple to choose who will solemnize their marriage.
3. All people have the right to solemnize marriage.

.  I clicked, "YES". Because I agree with all that. I'm not lying. I did not have to reveal any of my personal views on religion to get ordained. Which in my opinion is how it should be. I was asked to do this and I should be able to. 

5. With my ordination I am legal to perform Wedding Ceremonies, Funerals, and Baptisms. 

6. I chose a well known site for ordination that had marriage in the title because that was my main focus. I didn't want the word church involved because I didn't want to confuse anybody. On the license I will write, "Non-Denominational" for the type of ceremony performed. If you do a wedding of a particular religion you would put that religion down. My title is "Ordained Minister". I will be referring to myself as the wedding officiant. Which is acceptable. 

7. The most important thing is the license. But that is done before a ceremony ever happens. So really ceremonies are personal thing and anyone should be able to do it. Because all the real legal stuff has already been done. Laws and procedures vary from state to state and county to county. Always call the county that the ceremony will take place and will be filed to know their requirements.

8. The most well known ordination site is Universal Life Church. The ordain all religions and beliefs. Celebrities use this site a lot. You will find 1-3 states/counties that will not take ordination from them for whatever reason. But they are still legit. 

9. I used a newer online organization called American Marriage Ministries. I quote their site:  
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

 https://theamm.org

 

Now, I can move on to the fun part....figuring out how to perform a ceremony. 

First comes a love story.

I have to start by saying I'm not a writer. So bare with me and my typos and run on sentences. And this is just my perspective.

Jennifer and I met at The Olive Garden back in 2002ish. We were both servers there. Over the years we've always stayed in touch. She was sweet and quiet and down to earth. I'd visit her at her apartment and we took a couple nature walks. We never saw each other every day or talked every day but I have always thought friendship could always pick up where it left off. Friends understand. Long story short; Jennifer was in a relationship with a guy we worked with who later joined the military. She waited patiently for his return so they could build a life together with their daughter. Sadly,  It didn't work out. I'd seen Jennifer through a break up, being a single mom, and a nursing student. I was never surprised by Jennifer's perseverance only impressed. Working, taking care of a kid, and going to school while trying to balance a personal life and find love is not easy. I love the self respect she always carried for herself. Now, nobody's perfect. But most women couldn't have done all this without a man. Independence. Such an important thing to experience before marriage and a committed relationship. Because only then can you be with someone because you want to. Not because you have to. So somewhere in her path of finding, losing, and rediscovering herself. She met Courtney. (boy not a girl, I made the same mistake :) 

Their union must have been like static electricity because not much later down the road Jennifer was expecting a baby just short of finishing nursing school. Because I know Jennifer I could say, "Congrats, you can do it". Once again, not surprised, she did. She graduated. I hadn't met Courtney yet so like any friend I stalked his Facebook page to get a gander this guy. I could see why Jennifer was falling in love. Through photos I saw what seemed to be a sociable, talented, unique individual that was fun. Jennifer is all these things too but in a different way. So if she loved him. I would love him too. After spending a little time with them at baby showers, birthday parties, etc. I watched them interact. I began to understand. I saw my own relationship. Some people are meant to be.Yes, it's that simple. You just know and there doesn't have to be any bells and whistles to realize it. People have different opinions about destinies and fate but I think we couldn't avoid some people in our lives if we wanted to. I've always believed we're cosmically in tune to those around us in some way swapping energy and vibes. Our aura's are bound to collide or softly brush one another and radiate beautiful colors resulting in love and friendships. Nature's magic if you ask me. Magnetic.

So maybe I've given too much back story for this blog but I don't feel like I can talk about my experience without letting everyone know a little about the couple. One day while on Facebook. I got a message from Jennifer. As I started reading I thought I knew where it was going. I was thinking, "Please don't ask me to be a bridesmaid". Not because I don't love Jennifer and Courtney but because I'm not a girly girl or a bridesmaid type. Put me in charge of anything as long as it doesn't require a dress and lots of make up. Also, we haven't seen each other that much. So I wasn't completely, actively involved in her life at the moment. I was in my usual spot in the back. There if you need me, always supportive type of friend. Thank goodness for life events or I wouldn't get to see many of my friends because life is busy. Then she popped the big question. "Would you be willing to officiate our wedding? You will have to get ordained."   Without hesitation I said I would love to. I'd be honored. Then it sank in what she was asking me. I never regretted saying yes. So don't think that. I just felt more heavily how honored and why me. She said she and I had similar spiritual views and she had known me a long time and she didn't want a stranger to officiate such an important moment in her life. She also knew I had expressed an interest in officiating a long time ago. Well, all that sounded good to me. So then the research began.

 Thanks for reading....to be continued.